Tutu Much Fun

Monday, January 14, 2013

"The Killer in Me is the Killer in You..."



  Child abuse...such tragic words to type/speak/think...or worse, be victim of. In my naive mind I want to believe that the words only exist in case a situation ever needed to be labeled as such, but sadly, I've read the statistics. And here I sit with glossy, puffed eyes and a deep sense of pain and call-to-action.


  My husband somehow, one day, stumbled onto the fact that Billy Corgan (front man of the Smashing Pumpkins) was a victim of child abuse and neglect. I, being a Pumpkins fan since the age of 13, was amazed that I never knew this horrible fact. I then chalked my ignorance up to Wikipedia's non-existence (really the Internet in general) during the time of my semi-obsession with the band...


  When we truly love a band we feel as though we 'know' them personally....or maybe that they know us personally...as we invite(d) their music into our poster-splattered bedrooms, or in our headphones (via a once cool Discman) we dance with their arrangements and feel alive thru their lyrics. Such was the case for me with the Pumpkins. I first heard of them in 6th grade from a red-haired boy named, Dennis. He told me of the 'coolest music video' he'd ever witnessed on MTV, called "Tonight, Tonight." I listened intently and then was looked at like an Amish (our neighbors), because I had never heard of the band. Of course I'd never heard of them!---I hardly knew of MTV!---I remember once, at the very young of 6 or 7, being able to watch New Kids on the Block during a televised concert, only to have the tube time cut short because Marky Mark (Donnie's brother, who I believed opened for NKOTB that night) was dancing incredibly provocative. I was very embarrassed by his pulsating hips and would never ask to watch MTV again, until the convo with Dennis....in which my pleads were responded to with a "No" so I was forced to spend the rest of my teenage life hiding my MTV/VH1 indulges. BUT(!!!!), one day, almost six months later, I saw the video. It was and remains today the most beautiful music video I've ever seen (I recently watched the movie "Hugo" and learned the back story to the video). I love(d) everything about it--I had to get the cd. (If you've never seen the music video bf search for it on YouTube...like RIGHT NOW! GO!)

  One Christmas "Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" (the album featuring 'Tonight, Tonight') was purchased for me by two dear friends at the cost of $25 (insanely high for two non-employed middle school girls! Im still grateful today that they loved me enough to buy a simple 2 disc set that meant so much to me.) I later bought the Adore album (twice), was given Machina, Siamese Dream and the Greatest Hits albums. Melon Collie and Adore remain my two favorites.


  So, here I am, knowing of Billy's childhood, 'loving' him for fifteen years (wow...I've now been listening to SP longer than I haven't...make sense?) and my eyes are open, in a different light, to the pain and anguish in his lyrics......and for the life of me I want nothing more than to travel back in time and 1) pound his step-mother into the ground 2) rescue him from his painful childhood and early adolescence, give him a 24 hour hug & pray over him....I'm still devastated that I didn't know....In 2005 Billy created an online blog titled; 'Confessions of Billy Corgan' He tells stories of his childhood, adolescence, and difficulties and triumphs within the band.
Here is a video from YouTube where he discusses the emotional effects his childhood abuse had on him:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KE6kdO8o&noredirect=1I3

  On his blog he also confesses that for over 20 years he suffered from sleep deprivation and insomnia as a result of the abuse. He would often times withdraw and become very anti-social.
I get sucked in every time I pull up the blog. It's inspiring, liberating & also incredibly sad to say the very least (there is some foul language used, so read with caution!!). Ever since I've been reading his entries, however, I feel like a traitor....loving the music that was inspired by such immense pain....then I remind myself that his music is the good that came from his years of pain. One thing is still unsettled within me though--I want him to know Jesus. Billy is a very 'spiritual' person, mature in thinking, and seems over all open minded, but he has no confessed religion.


  Child abuse is real. Neglect, sexual abuse, mental/emotional abuse...it's sadly all a reality. Billy's case is far from the norm--he used his painful past as a driving force to produce a successful future. He stopped the cycle. From what I've read so far of his blog, during his childhood, no one ever questioned him of his home life. How many children out there are suffering and just waiting for a caring adult to ask them if everything's alright? How many live right next door to us? How many are a part of our extended family? If their own parents won't stand up for them then who will???? It's up to YOU and ME! We are to be their saviors; their rescuers. Be alert! Look for signs! There are several online resources that will inform you on the signs of abuse (things as simple and obvious as children wearing out of season clothing) http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/childabuse_learnthefacts.htm
http://www.americanhumane.org/children/stop-child-abuse/
 Don't be afraid to ask. If it's a complete stranger in the mall, take action-do what you can on behalf of the child. If a parent is yelling at their kid and telling them to "Shut up!!" in public, imagine what goes on in the privacy of their homes?....Children are people too. They are just as important as adults and are worth fight for. Pray that God would open your eyes to children that are desperately searching for help. Maybe He's calling you and your spouse to become foster parents? Pray also that God would draw Billy, and other celebrities with a national platform, to Him and that they would respond rightly to His calling.

I leave you with a well-known song by the Smashing Pumpkins, titled "Disarm." Following the lyrics are Billy's explanation of the song's lyrics:

"Disarm"
Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what i choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you



   Billy Corgan quoted:  "The reason I wrote Disarm was because, I didn't have the guts to kill my parents, so I thought I'd get back at them through song. And rather than have an angry, angry, angry violent song I'd thought I'd write something beautiful and make them realize what tender feelings I have in my heart, and make them feel really bad for treating me like s**t. Disarm's hard to talk about because people will say to me 'I listen to that song and I can't figure out what it's about.' It's about things that are beyond words. I think you can conjure up images and put together phrases, but it's a feeling beyond words and for me it has a lot to do with a sense of loss. Being an adult and looking back and romanticizing a childhood that never happened or went by so quickly in a naive state that you miss it."




....think of how differently his life (and the life of his fans) would have been, had he taken the road of anger and hatred and killed his parents....thank God that Billy chose music as an outlet to release his pain and frustration, and doing so sent beauty and closure out into the world.